Dear Diary, it's me Donald

Uh sir, the gravity of the position is too much.

Uh sir, Mr. Trump, they say I paid a 17 year old to have sex with me.

Uh sir, they say I sexually assaulted multiple women.

So what. I gave these clowns the job of their lives and they all back out? Why? Cause of some whole lot of nothing? Give me a break. Who the hell says, “gravity of the position”? I chose him because he’s a sheriff and has a mustache. And now he wants to be some goddamn poet.

Now I’m left with second stringers and people that barely appear on Fox. At least with Fat Ron the only thing he ever assaulted was a plate of pasta. Hopefully Krash Kash is only an angry dweeb and not something that results in, uh sir it turns out that I have a container full of Romanian boys and can no longer replace the FBI with a picture of Hannibal Lecter and a decoder ring.

Ivanka replaced her voicemail with some robot voice. The number you have dialed is no longer in service.